LIFE, let’s just take a moment and talk about life first. Life is a mystery. We often tend to say, ‘life is good’ or ‘life is bad’ or ‘it’s better/worse than it used to be’ but I think we are totally wrong on that. Life is neither good nor bad. Life is just what it is. It is a reality and we should be realistic about it. What makes it either good or bad is our mindset. How we choose to see it is the ultimate determinant of all fulfillment out of this life. Our explanatory style.
When a young cyprus tree hits an obstruction atop it when it is still growing then bends, it is going to assume a bended form till it grows into a whole tree. A crooked tree all its life. Its crookedness will appear as beauty if it were in a park or something but if we wanted to make construction wood/timber out of it, nop! That one is trash.
Its a joke but you follow, right?
Any humane human being would atleast want a calm, insulated growing up chance for every kid which though unknown to many, it is a very eventful and progressive becoming of which that is how it should be. It is a beehive of activities; kids have so much to learn from life such that their schedule is never empty. They are always asking questions, always in a hurry to move on to the next activity, always hungry for adventure. Kids have varying thirsts for adventure obviously, but especially in boys it is culminated. This hunger shouldn’t be blocked or tamed but should be guided accordingly to make it constructive and of value to them. Kids grab something with so much zeal but when it is no longer serving their interests, they drop it and pick something else more captivating for that moment.
An unfavourable disruption in the event of childhood means that there is so much in kids’ world that is not being consumed, there is so much that this kid is missing out on even as much as the parent or caretaker may assume their kid(s) is in safety. Lately we’ve been getting so many cases of child suicide and people snap at them like ‘why would a 7 year old be stressed?’
Imagine being in prison for a while. Kept away in a hell-hole for being a shitty person, isolated from life and society where the only people you get to interact with day-to-day are psychopaths and outcasts who do not really have any use for genuine, authentic bonds with people around them. A place where you cannot afford to have ambitions, dreams and the only aspiration at your disposal is looking forward to the day you’ll get out and if you are in for life, ‘sweet sweet death when are you coming?’. When eventually you come back to the real world, it will obviously be tough for you considering the strides that the people who were in your life before have made in life by now. You will feel that little or great tension or strangeness around people you have to go back to. Some have moved on from you. That bout of strangeness that you would feel around everyone would make you feel sad, right?
That feeling which you are mirroring right now from this article is what we call loneliness, emptiness, rejection and all other sadistic vocabularies that describe that pathetic soul-sucking state of being. Everytime we feel it so strongly, it is an indication that our lives for one reason or the other have been in stagnation for a while. Remember the tree story at the beginning of this piece? Well, being stuck emotionally/mentally creates a dangerous gap in life which in itself can bring great distress and change in the pattern of life. Your pattern of life.
First of all here is a paradox;
People always confuse solitude with loneliness. These two aren’t siblings. Not at all. Some people, like creatives, enjoy their solitude so that they can thrive and make sense of their inner worlds plus bring forth something new into this world like a good painting, a good song, a nourishing article, a rib-cracking stand up joke, a strategic business plan, an interesting book, a badass money-making move, an innovative computer software, a highly rated TV show, a smart political strategy etc. It is out of their solitude that they are able to put flowers on our table of life. They are perfectly okay with a few deep and meaningful connections. You can be happy and fulfilled in solitude is what am saying, but paradoxically, you can be really alone and lonely in solitude. Another paradox, you can be a genuinely happy, social and outgoing person but on the other hand, you can be carrying a genuine ‘socializing’ attribute in the hobbies slot in your c.v but inside you are a lonely and a really broken and disconnected human.
My point is that yes it is an extrovert world. We all need some social skills inorder for us to thrive in this world, okay. We need them so that we can make meaningful connections and that we may be able to seize opportunities when they brush on our faces.True. But happiness… Happiness and life fulfillment is neither an introvert nor an extrovert portion. It manifests from inside out and not the vice versa. Whatever am aptly tackling on this piece may give you a headstart or someone you know.
Lots of people are not strong enough yet to undo this crookedness in their life pattern and it dictates their style of life for as long as it remains untangled from their mindsets, their subconscious. It obviously is alot more difficult for children and it means a growing pattern of unfulfilled lives as they carry on with their journies of life. Imagine feeling that way every single day. Imagine feeling lonely, rejected, abandoned, empty or disconnected as your default state of being. You will need someone you can have an authentic connection with so that they may dig in and show you how it should feel like to earn your damn place in the space you are entitled to. Without inflating your ego ofcourse. This is what kids want from their parents or whoever they look up to to nurture and nourish their still fragile being. Just like we oftenly clear weeds around a young tree and remove obstructions atop it if we want it to grow into a good tree.
That right there is one of the most important things that come after the basic needs of a child for the purpose of social, emotional and spiritual growth as they continue to become a ‘person’. As they continue to build a healthy self-concept.
I am talking about things you can only see by ‘feel’, emotional intelligence if you’d rather. Do I really need to remind you that people who have built or are working towards building a genuine connection get to understand each other better by allowing themselves to be known and making an effort to know the other deeper every single time. They cultivate that connection. At which point physical aspects like how they chew food, how they hold the spoon, the kind of smile they make when happy and the kind that signals pain become notable to the other. Their energies are now in perfect synchronicity with each other’s. They can now percieve each other and even talk without talking( okay, that English is only correct on this my article). If there is even the slightest drift in that energy, these people can feel it and if they care enough, they will act upon it mostly through confrontation.
Kids need such a connection since their mental and emotional architecture is not yet competent in sieving what to take in from life and what not to. I don’t even think any of us ever fully masters this skill and sits on those sacred levels of self-discipline. I mean, even the good book acknowledges that we are imperfect beings and so we all fall short of the glory from time to time.
All of us still make mistakes in life, we mess up. From time to time, we are so broken that we get to a point where we need someone who will think for us for we cannot trust ourselves anymore. At which point there is too much garbage inside us, our thinking is deluded, our vision is foggy and our hearts are heavy. Imagine being a 12 year old carrying crap inside and missing that. A number of factors can deny them that for instance: Broken/defunct homes, an authoritarian parent(a parent who only knows how to bark orders but never listens), homelessness, an absent parent( may either be physically or emotionally), sexual harrasment/exploitation, loss of a parent amongst other disruptions in their childhoods like simply change of residence or school and there is no one to help them adapt to their new normal.
Anyway, life is supposed to teach you the things you do not know or missed out on learning and once you’ve grown, as you have now, you need to show maturity by asking what you do not know yet, rather than trying your best to cover up your folly and letting it define you. Cut yourself some slack, pride won’t let you blossom.
WARTS AND ALL.
You might not have had a perfect story as it is with most people but once we have accepted our flaws plus are willing to work on what is spewing negativity on ourselves and on relationships around us, we gain strength, genuine strength-not arrogance, not pride. We become like that crooked tree standing in a park that is appealing to the eyes and catches everybody’s attention. They even pause for a moment to take a photo with it in the background. It becomes beauty. Your story inspires other people plus they admire the strength that you’ve gathered from it.
Here is one last thing;
I would have talked about inner wounds as it is a topic that is very connected to this but that deserves its whole piece so I’ll just give highlights. Most inner wounds are collected in people’s childhoods after events and traumas like those you have devoured above. However, some people can collect theirs or even more in their full blown adulthood. For instance; after a toxic relationship(especially where GBV and/or narcissism is involved), single mothers who have faced rejection from their baby daddys, victims of rape, loss of a loved one and so much more. We are social beings and we encounter people who may rub us the wrong way, wether knowingly or unknowingly and hurt us. I don’t mean to pamper you by insinuating that you are a saint in this world. You may be toxic too. I don’t know. Ask your ex or someone.
When a child cannot find love at home they seek it elsewhere and in destructive activities such as crime, drugs and careless & irresponsible sex. Remember the bully from school? That was his/her way of calling out for attention; subconsciously saying they are living in fear, living unloved, living in pain. Unfortunately, they had to put you or someone else down so they could feel powerful and get noticed. We still have bullies around now in our adulthood.
Any thought or emotion that is surpressed is hidden in our minds or hearts. Examples of inner wounds are; surpressed anger, rejection, shame, guilt amongst others which I will expound on when I do that article on them. These wounds start to manifest subconsciously in some ways, infact so much that you start to believe that that is who you are. Other times you might not even notice the trail of negativity that you are leaving behind. I will give you a few:
- Pride; pride is probably the most universal display for people harbouring some rejection in their story. It is a way of them saying that they are worthy to be appreciated and loved also. It is a way of trying so hard to prove themselves in the wake of feelings of invincibility. It is a cry in disguise. Them or other people might not even notice that. Check out what I did earlier on on the superiority complex to get more insight here.
- Love of loneliness; You find such people alone and lonely even when in a big community. Others live a life of indifference whereby they are not attached to anyone or anything.
- Also, the inferiority complex.
- Some people do not laugh or even give a slight smile even when the funniest of jokes is cracked. Their life taste buds are dead, simple. Paradoxically, others crack jokes, lots of jokes, bad jokes to either keep people at bay or so that they may atleast feel something. Some satisfaction. I am not saying that all funny people are wounded people. Infact laughter is the most beautiful thing. Check out what I did on jokes aside…get smart, or if you’d rather, go straight ahead and watch the 2009 movie; Funny People.
- Hating everyone and always criticizing; as I have already pointed out, they lack life taste buds. They don’t see beauty, they see wreckedness. They are ‘The Wretched of the Earth’? Well, whatever that means, I’ll have to consult with Frantz Fanon so I can see if his thought-provoking book title will make sense with what I’m talking about here. But the guy is dead, damn!
- People who physically or sexually abuse others. Yes you. I’ve got news for you. You are a useless piece of shit and you deserve to die.
- People who have excessive sexual desires. Show me a whore or a prostitute who comes from a family where they felt loved and appreciated and I will show you a green cat. Yes, a freakin green cat.
The reason there is so much hate in the world is because we have so much hate within ourselves. We can only accord other people the love and compassion that we have given ourselves already as I have always said.
The good book says, ‘love your neighbour as you love yourself.’ It does not expect that anyone can hate themselves so your love for self is the ultimate teacher of love. Let’s heal ourselves first then make it our personal obligation to touch the next person, spread the love.
Humanity is such a beautiful thing, I wonder why it hates each other so much.
Thank you so much buddy for reading this. You just supported me in my journey as a writer.